« Previous Post | Index | Next Post »
The not-altogether-lacking-in-blood-thirst herself Tabouli wrote:
A mere hour later she has managed to convince Pigwidgeon, Errol and Hedwig to sacrifice their lives and feathers for the cause, and is swiftly, silently closing in on the savage sofa springers, ready to smother and bind them all in...
F.E.A.T.H.E.R.B.O.A.S.! (Foaming Enthusiasts of Ambush, Torture, and Hostility, Embracing Really Bloodthirsty Operations And Savagery)
Elkins, blinking quizzically as she tries to deduce just what Cindy might have meant when she just hissed "Take one for the team, Elkins!" and shoved her off of the rock like that, catches her balance, removes her pipe from her mouth to gesticulate, half-turns, and has time for only the briefest of alarmed squawks before finding herself lying on soft sand, wrapped head to toe in mangy old feather boas. She thrashes wildly for a few moments then freezes, staring in disbelief at the bloodied owl feathers—the bloodied and yet monstrously familiar owl feathers—from which her bonds would seem to be crafted.
"I—" she gasps, a look of sick horror slowly spreading across her face. "Errol?" And then a hoarse, a disbelieving whisper: "Pig?"
"NO!" she screams, struggling madly to free herself from the remains of these cruelly- and gratuitously-sacrificed minor characters. "NO! Oh my God, Tabouli, what have you done? MURDERER! MADWOMAN!! FIEND!!!!"
As she degenerates into incoherent hysteria, Elkins' alarmed companions rush to her aid: Tough Cindy, who begins slapping her repeatedly in the face while screaming, spit flying from the corners of her mouth, "Suck it up, soldier! Suck it up, damn you!"; and Amiable Eileen (looking cute as all get-out in that horned helmet she always wears to our FEATHERBOAS meetings as a part of her blood-thirsty "Lucky Kari" persona), who after a few futile attempts at intervention ("Er...Cindy? I, um, don't think that that's necessarily, um, helping. I think, you know, that the...the hitting may be...well, it just might be increasing her sense of anxiety..."), simply shrugs, sighs, shakes her head, and goes off to brew a nice hot cup of tea.
Some time later, having restored a good deal of Elkins' equanimity (or at the very least, her sanguinity) by whipping out her tattered old cloth-bound copy of the The Lord of the Rings and reading aloud—in a calm and soothing and unthreatening tone of voice—that nice passage from "The Siege of Gondor" in which the forces of Mordor demoralize their enemies by catapulting the heads of the fallen over the walls of the city, Eileen admits:
I said, "Crouch Jr., Lestranges, and another DE" to myself, and never even thought of it again. I also ask my long-suffering brother to explain commercials when we're watching TV. "But why was the guy standing there with the beer can?"
Elkins, by now only occasionally breaking into muffled sobs ("Pig...Pig...oh, Tabouli, that wasn't necessary...it wasn't necessary...") huddles shivering over her bloodied owl feathers and her nice hot cup of tea, but still manages a watery smile for Eileen.
She wonders whether this would be a good time to admit that she herself had to have the plot of "Star Wars" explained to her at least seven times before she could even begin to understand what was supposed to be happening in that film. ("But I don't understand! What's a 'Droid?' And what's a 'Tractor Beam?' And why on earth did they have to keep running around through all of those corridors?")
Before she can make a decision on this matter, however, Eileen is snatched up by the crew of the Good Ship LOLLIPOPS and hauled off for some Imperius-induced deprogramming below decks. Elkins contemplates staging a rescue attempt for an entire three seconds before thinking better of it. She finishes off her tea and stares down at the sand, trying hard not to look out to sea.
*******************
"From the brig of the Good Ship LOLLIPOPS, where she has been put to meditate on her nearly accomplished mutiny, and to be restrained till the madness has passed," Eileen wrote (on the all-consuming question of whether Fourth Man Avery is Thin Nervous Eye-Darty Man or Thick-set Blank-Stare Man):
I would not feel that good if we partnered the renowned Mrs. Lestrange with "thin nervous eye-darty man".
Really? That's interesting, because before I saw the TRUTH and the LIGHT of Fourth Man, I had always just naturally assumed that Thin Nervous Eye-Darty Man was Lestrange. Something about all of those assertive women I've known who've had things for frail and vulnerable men, I suppose.
But I quite agree that Darty makes a far better Avery than Blankstare does, so poor old Florence...er, Mrs. Lestrange, I mean...will just have to settle.
Story of her life, really.
Of course, I could add dealing with an idiotic husband, who messed up all their plans and told Lucius Malfoy about the Voldemort hunt, who passed the information on to the authorities. (One of my little pet non-canon-related theories.)
So you figure slippery old Lucius turned them in, eh? That cad!
So how come? He'd already wrangled his acquittal by then, surely. Was it because he was convinced that they'd get caught anyway? Or was it more that he feared that they might actually succeed in finding Voldemort?
How come no-one waxes eloquent about Mr. Lestrange, btw?
Because he hasn't had a single line of dialogue. Avery's at least had seven words, and some screaming. Also, neither of the guys in the Pensieve scene has very much sex appeal.
I said:
Hey, young Crouch could have been innocent -- of torturing the Longbottoms, at any rate.
Eileen replied:
I want to keep Crouch Jr. involved, since it makes the Neville/Crouch Jr. link more poignant.
I quite agree. I, too, prefer Guilty-As-Sin Barty. Although I'm still plumping for him as Neville's savior. I like that, too.
Kudos on the subversive Neville-Crouch theory, but does it explain why Crouch seeks Neville out?
He was just helpless to resist that mystic bond, poor fellow. Also, he was curious to see what the little rugrat had grown up to be like.
"Nerveless Hysterics" aren't usually that great at torturing people when push comes to shove, come to think about it.
No. Well, that's the underlying premise of "Fourth Man With Imperius:" that Avery was always far too squeamish for wet work, and so his buddies were "helping him out" by Imperio'ing him through the tough stuff.
What if Avery's clearing included hard evidence that he hadn't been involved in the torturings? Wizarding evidence of DNA's stature.
It's a bit hard to imagine how one could come up with hard evidence for such a thing, isn't it? After all, as Frank Longbottom discovered the hard way, it is notoriously difficult to prove a negative proposition.
[Eileen tries to reconcile the Elkins who is "relieved" at the thought of Snape worming his way back into Voldemort's good graces without having to endure a single Cruciatus with the Elkins who was chanting "BLOODY AMBUSH! BLOODY AMBUSH!" and fails.]
Well, Rosier's already dead, isn't he? I mean, it's already canon that he was killed in a battle with Aurors. So it may as well have been a Great and Glorious Bloody Ambush as any other type of conflict: it's more fun that way, and more dramatic, and it doesn't hurt him any more than any other manner of being killed in combat would. It's not as if I'm plumping for the guy to have died hard or anything. I'm not hoping that he particularly suffered. I just think that a Great and Glorious Bloody Ambush has dramatic appeal.
Crucio'd Severus, though...no. Even in my most FEATHERBOAS-ish mind-set, I just can't relish such a thought.
*****************
On the Fourth Man timeline problem created by this bit of can(n)on shot:
"Avery-Nott-Crabbe-Goyle-"
"You are merely repeating the names of those who were cleared of being Death Eaters thirteen years ago," said Fudge angrily. "You could have found those names in old reports of the trials!"
Cindy wrote:
However, I can see through my binoculars that all is not well in the Fourth Man two-person kayak. Indeed, it appears that the Fourth Man has fallen overboard and is flailing helplessly, unable to haul his ample backside to the beach.
<Elkins blinks innocently from behind her (now-broken) spectacles>
Shall we assume then, Cindy, that you favor Thick-set Blank-Stare Man as Avery?
Or are you supporting Eileen's suggestion that perhaps Dudley Dursley was actually the Fourth Man?
I suggested that Avery was indeed acquitted on grounds of Imperius back in '81, then nailed for the Longbottom Affair in '82 or '83, and then pardoned as a part of a Bleeding Heart Backlash in '84. I further suggested that (a) Fudge himself was swept to office on the same wave of public sentiment that led to Avery's pardon, (b) it was a very short-lived wave which receded quickly and abruptly, and (c) the reason that Fudge mentions the acquittal, rather than the more recent pardon, is because he doesn't really want people thinking too much about that particular period of political history, which casts his own position in a somewhat dubious light.
Cindy objected to this theory on (if I've got this right) two grounds.
First, she found the idea that Avery managed to get himself off the hook twice rather much to accept.
And second, she didn't like my proposed timeline.
Her reasons for the latter (like my reasons for favoring my own timeline) seem to have a good deal to do with her preferences in Memory Charm Theory.
She wrote:
For that, I have to go back to a timeline theory I used in the "Neville Has A Reverse Memory Charm" dialogue (which apparently Elkins has decided to spurn in favor of the wholly implausible "Neville Has A Memory Charm" theory -- don't get me started).
::raises hands quickly in defensive gesture::
Hey, hey! Hold on a minute here. I've got no beef with Reverse Memory Charmed Neville. Tell the truth, I'm an agnostic on the topic of what sort of Memory Impairing Charm the poor kid's saddled with. Memory Charm, Reverse Memory Charm...it's all good, as far as I'm concerned. I just want him to have something of the sort.
(And besides, I can never keep all of those horrifically long, if fantastically clever, acronyms clear in my mind, anyway.)
What I do want, though, is for him to have been old enough when it happened to make for a rousing good tale. And to my mind, it just isn't very satisfying if he was a babe in arms at the time. I want him at least a toddler, old enough for the event to have left some serious trauma, dammit.
But there's no reason that you can't have your Reverse Memory Charm scenario taking place in '82 or '83, rather than in '81.
Is there?
Cindy writes (citing an older post):
Here's a quick rundown on the canon evidence that the Lestranges were apprehended soon after Voldemort fell, not years later:
In Padfoot Returns, Sirius tells us about the circumstances under which Barty Crouch Jr. is brought to Azkaban and everything going on at the time. He says:"When Voldemort disappeared, it looked like only a matter of time until Crouch got the top job."
We're talking about politics, though. Whether the Minister of Magic is appointed or elected by some variant of Parliament or in a general election or whatever, it's still not likely to be the sort of thing that can happen overnight, is it? I mean, if I said something like, "it looks like only a matter of time before Tim Collins becomes the next Prime Minister," then you wouldn't think that I necessarily meant "by the end of the year," would you?
(Actually, you'd probably just think that I'd gone mad. But I trust that you get my drift.)
"A matter of time" in a political context doesn't mean "a matter of days," nor even "a matter of months." It could very well mean "a matter of years."
"But then something rather unfortunate happened.Crouch's own son was caught with a group of Death Eaters who'd managed to talk their way out of Azkaban. Apparently they were trying to find Voldemort and return him to power. I saw the Dementors bringing him in. He can't have been more than nineteen."
I agree with the notion that Sirius says 19, rather than 20, because he's fairly certain that the kid is nineteen. No quibbles there.
Where I've got a problem, though, is here:
The Lexicon list Barty Crouch Jr.'s birthday as 1962. So if he is 19 when he goes to Azkaban, that would be 1981. As Fourth Man Avery would have been arrested at the same time as young Crouch, this is also in 1981.
But that's a tautology, surely?
The only reason that the Lexicon lists Barty's birthday in 1962 is because Vander Ark (at whose feet I worship, don't get me wrong here) chose to assume that his trial took place in 1981.
So you can't then go arguing that the "proof" that the trial took place in 1981 is that Crouch was born in 1962! That's circular reasoning.
There's no canonical proof for either Crouch being born in 1962 or his trial taking place in 1981. It is somewhat canonically suggested, yes. But it's hardly a definite thing.
But anyway, I don't really see why the timeline issue is really relevant to your preference for a Reverse Memory Charm. Is there some reason that you can't have a Reverse Memory Charm in 1983?
On the subject of Reverse Memory Charms, Eileen asked:
How does Avery get off if Neville with his magically enhanced testimony fingers him and Crouch?
Cindy answered:
Because after some time passed, people started questioning the reliability of this Reverse Memory Charm.
I like that! I can just imagine the insinuations levelled against those responsible for questioning Reverse Memory Charmed witnesses, the accusations that the questioners must have planted Terrible Notions in the minds of those already rendered highly suggestible...
Yes, yes. I like it. And I like it very much as the grounds for Avery's pardon. Okay, so I'm on board with the whole Reverse Memory Charm thing. Count me in. (Er...which of those very long acronyms is ours again?)
But I still think that Avery's Imperius defense was how he got out of his first arrest, back in 1981, while his "I wasn't anywhere near the place that night -- Memory Enhancement Is A Fraud!" defense was how he got out of his second bout of trouble.
I like Avery worming his way out of trouble twice, myself. It makes him seem clever and sneaky, when in actuality, he's Just Plain Lucky. It would also make him ulcerated and paranoid, I'm sure, not to mention deeply suspected by just about everyone he encounters just about everywhere he goes.
In explanation of why she preferred a 1984 pardon to a 1981 pardon, Eileen wrote:
And Crouch certainly has to "die" quickly to get this theory going. No, too short. I like Elkins's idea better. Sorry.
Cindy blinked in confusion:
I don't follow you. Crouch gets sprung from Azkaban whenever he gets sprung. I don't think it matters much for the timeline exactly when this happens. Avery, however, gets out quickly -- as soon as Fudge takes over. What am I missing?
Er...if I may step in here, I think that what Eileen was referring to there was Crouch Sr's political death. She meant, I think, that she prefers a scenario in which Crouch's fall from power comes rather later than the end of 1981 -- which would, after all, be only two months after Voldemort's disappearance, barely time enough for the first batch of DEs to be rounded up, really.
<brightly> But there's no reason that there can't be a Reverse Memory Charm!
*****************
On Avery's Job In the Ministry of Magic
Eileen wrote:
Then, Elkins and Cindy reconcile to allow Avery to have a secondary job in the DMC. I'm no-one to complain, but no-one liked my suggestion that he works for Bagman (ever-so-evil or not) and is the new Minister of Magical Sports and Games.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Eileen. I did mean to comment on that, but then I just got all...distracted.
Avery in Magical Sports and Games proved a bit difficult for me to imagine, I'm afraid, mainly I suppose because I just don't see Avery as quite the, uh, Sporty type. And trying to envision him having a chummy relationship with Ludo Bagman (ever-so-evil or not) just kind of...made my head explode.
Although it does have some humorous possibilities. I imagine Avery flinching every time friendly old Ludo slaps him on the shoulder.
But then, I kind of liked him in Magical Catastrophes for much the same reasons. Can't you just imagine the Nerveless Hysteric being sent out to do the field work?
"Well...uh...what sort of, er, 'accident' was it, precisely?" <pause> "Oh, God, NO!" <pause> "Oh, no. No, no, no, not at all. Of course we can sort that out for you! We take care of, uh, those sorts of problems here all the time. When I said 'oh God no' just then, I was, er, just..." <long pause> "You want to know if there's someone else here who can handle this. Yes...well, er...yes. I suppose that would be all for the best, really."
I also liked DMC because it was Fudge's old Department, and I liked Cindy's suggestion that Fudge was the one who gave Avery his old job back.
Eileen:
But Avery really has repented, so Fudge isn't afraid, and feels sorry for him, as the description below warrants..../me begins to cry and purchases a S.Y.N.C.H.O.P.H.A.N.T.S. badge.
::big smile::
Oh, Eileen! You're a fan of "Fourth Man With Remorse," then. That's so...so sweet!
<Elkins dabs at her own eyes and presses a S.Y.C.O.P.H.A.N.T.S. badge into Eileen's hand, waving away all offers of payment with a sentimental sniff>
I like my Fourth Man With Remorse too.
See? We're such nice people. There really must have been something in Cindy's brandy.
I've been wondering that too. Something is wrong with me. This is not me, the person who cringes when Wile E. Coyote hits the tarmac.
Oh, poor Wile E. Coyote! How I always felt for him! The Twentieth-Century Sisyphus! A True Existentialist Hero! Oh, but how I always longed for a day of reckoning, a day when he would finally catch that rotten Roadrunner and rip the smug little bastard limb from li...
Oh. Er, yeah...okay. So maybe it wasn't all the brandy.
************
As for Voldemort's Wand...
Much as I do love giving Avery lots to do, to support the notion that he really is a terribly important character, I remain rather attached to the notion that Pettigrew was the one keeping Voldemort's wand for him all these years.
But if anyone ever comes up with a really good suggestion as to how we might lay that at Avery's feet, then I might change my mind.
*************
Eileen wrote:
The Saga of Percy Weatherby
Percy, now the youngest ever Department Head, has Avery shuffled into his department. Who wouldn't try to pawn Avery off on the newcomer who doesn't know the ins and outs of things? Avery is so ill respected at the Ministry that - Horror of Horrors! - everyone except Percy calls him by his yet to be determined first name.
And Percy calls him...Ainsbury!
Unfortunately, Avery, at V's command, gets rather close to Weatherby, resulting in misfortunes for our side. When HRH finally visit the Ministry, which will happen I'm sure, we'll have a moment of irony, when they meet Avery, and some office worker makes some remark about him using his given name, that would have told HRH the game was up, if the last name had been used.
If only Percy had remembered the poor sod's name, things might have turned out very differently. But nooo...
Now, that's uncanonical.
Nonsense! It is merely...speculative.
PS I still can't get over the fact that we've seriously gone into analysing an almost non-existent character.
Non-existent! Non-exISTent?!?!
He has seven words of dialogue, Eileen! That's more than Lestrange gets. Hell, it's even more than Arabella Figg gets, and you wouldn't call her "almost non-existent," would you?
"Almost non-existent." Sheesh. Keep your voice down, will you? You'll hurt Avery's feelings. As if it isn't bad enough that Cindy wants to drown him...
Cindy:
Having pushed Avery overboard because his sniveling was dancing on my last good nerve...
<Elkins gasps and leans over the side to haul Avery back in, very nearly overbalancing the entire kayak>
Cindy! You know you can't do that! JKR needs him to—just cough it all up, Mr. Avery, that's right, that's super, sweetheart, yes, you're doing fine—needs him to fulfill his secondary villain function in Book Five! You can't just—oh, for God's sake, Avery. Here. Take my jacket—you can't just go murdering the poor man like that. How's the poor wretch ever supposed to buy the farm in Book Five if you've already...
Oh. Oh, dear. No, no, Mr. Avery, please. Please try to contain yourself. I didn't mean it like that. I'm sure you'll survive all the way to the end of the series. Yes, I'm sure of it! Honest, I am. All I meant there was...
::exasperated sigh::
Oh, for God's sake, Cindy. Now you see what you've done?
Cindy -- finding it lonely in the Ambush-On-Dumbledore's-Orders camp, the Reverse-Memory-Charm camp, the Bagman-Is-A-DE camp, the Sirius-Was-Having-His-Way-With-Florence camp, and the Snape-Has-A-Debt-To-James camp, but consoling herself by eating all of the Smores singlehandedly...
Hey! I'm with you on the Reverse Memory Charm thing, and Sirius was having his way with Florence...even if that Florence happened to also be the future Mrs. Lestrange.
So cheer up. And give some of those Smores to Avery, will you? He's chilled and upset; he's shivering. He needs the chocolate.
—Elkins
Posted to HPfGU by Elkins on February 16, 2002 2:31 AM
« Previous Post | Index | Next Post »